Seems like 95% of all the magicians I know claim that their interest in magic was sparked by a Magic Set they received from Santa. Sometimes I doubt that they’re all telling the truth. After all, these are the same people that are quite proud of making a living by deceiving people. Maybe magicians tell the story about the Magic Set from Santa because they’ve heard it so many times from other magicians. Of course that’s rather unlikely since we all know that magicians would never do such a thing.

Well… I’m going against the grain, as usual, and telling you that Santa never ever brought yours truly a Magic Set. I never experienced the excitement of coming down the stairs on Christmas morning and seeing this big cardboard box full of little plastic miracles under the tree.

I’ve often wondered why I didn’t get one. I suppose most of you that know me would say it was probably because I was naughty and not nice.. …….I don’t think so.

It would make for a much more interesting story if I were to tell you that I was raised in an orphanage or that my family was so poor they could only afford to carve boloney for Christmas dinner. But that would not be the truth. I grew up in a middle income family and Santa brought me a Daisy BB Gun one Christmas and a new bicycle the next, so I couldn’t have been too naughty.

Here we go, the true story of how I became interested in magic. It’s also a Christmas Story that I ‘m certain you‘ll want to bring out once a year and read to your children around the fireplace while you all sip egg-nog and eat sugar cookies,…… while visions of sugar plums dance in your head .

OOPs! Sorry, got carried away there for a second.

Ed’s Christmas Story

Twas a week before Christmas………

And I was in the school library scouring the shelves for the thinnest book with the largest print that I could find. There was no way I was going to waste my 2 week Christmas vacation from the fourth grade reading some big ole stupid book for a book report due the first day back to Southside Elementary. I was wishing I could make a vocabulary list for old Miss Snidely, because she obviously doesn’t know the definition of the word “vacation“.

Suddenly, as if by magic, a book appeared on the shelf. At first glance, it didn’t appear to be at all what I was looking for. It was a good size older book that had obviously been around for quite some time and probably had hundreds of pages. Yet something drew me closer. The title on the binding was almost worn away and I couldn‘t make it out. I took the book from the shelf and there on the front was the three word title that would consume my entire vacation. “MAGIC FOR BOYS”.

Wow!… I opened the book and there on the pages were diagrams and words that revealed the secrets of magic. It said right there in black and white that this book would teach you how to do magic, how to put on your own magic show. Absolutely unbelievable. What is this book doing here on the shelf where just anybody could pick it up. Shouldn’t it be locked away? Can I actually check this book out.? Maybe some old conjurer had died and some unknowing relative donated this valuable manuscript to the school.

Who cares? The book is on the shelf, so I can check it out. The library assistant working at the desk was only a 6th grade girl. What could she know. Actually I would have gone toe to toe with old Snotty Snidely to get that book out of the library.

I made it through the checkout and back to the classroom without incident. I immediately stuffed the book into my desk to hide it from prying eyes. Now all I had to do is make it through the rest of the school day and out the door. The anticipation of running home and locking myself in my room to uncover the marvelous secrets contained in the book was almost overwhelming.

The day dragged on forever. First we all sang Christmas carols. Then we were forced to eat cookies that were brought in by Carol Perkin’s mother. Nobody liked Carol. She was the teachers pet and her mother was one of those uppity do-gooders that always volunteered to help out on special occasions. I guess she had nothing else to do. Not like my parents that had to actually work for a living. Anyway…Carols mom had read somewhere that sugar was bad for kids so her cookies tasted like soft crackers. We washed the cookies down with punch that tasted like it was concocted in the janitors mop bucket.

So much for the Holiday refreshments.

Next we all had to watch old Snotty Snidely open the presents that her pupils had brought for her. I don’t know why I had to give the old lady a present . I’m sure she didn’t get me anything and my dad agreed. But my mother had a different idea. She wrapped up some frilly hankies she picked up at Murphy’s and insisted I take it to school. When Snooty Snidely opened Carols present she had one of those tizzy fits and gave Carol and her mother a big hug. It was some kind of big fancy book. When she opened my present, she thanked me and almost smiled. Thank God my mom didn’t get her a book.

Finally …..3:10…the bell rings and we all head for the door as Miss Snidely wishes us all a Merry Christmas and of course tops it off with “ Don’t forget your book reports due when you come back”.

OOPs…I forgot all about that. Oh well, that’s two weeks away and I’ve got more important things to do.

I ran home, dashed into my room, shut the door and didn’t emerge until I was forced to by my mother saying “Young man, get in here right now, your dinners getting cold.” When she addressed me as young man, I knew she was serious. A quick meal and back to my room.

Back to the book…. The secrets…..The Magic. There was no stopping me now. As I read each page I couldn’t help but wonder what secret awaited me on the next. As I closed the back cover, I realized that this must truly be a magical book. I read the whole book in one day, actually one evening , that had never happened before, especially not a book of this size. I wasn’t done yet. Now I’ll go back and read again the tricks that I really liked.

As I opened the book to continue my magical studies, the door to my room opened and my mom stuck her head around the corner.

“Why aren’t you in bed yet?” “What have you been up to in here.”
“Just reading” I exclaimed as I slammed the book shut and attempted to cover it with my arm.

Oops, I could tell by the look on her face that she was skeptical and this required further investigation.

Mom stepped inside the room and came over to the desk. “And what exactly is so interesting that would keep you up this late ……reading?” she said with a suspicious look on her face. She slid the book out from under my arm and thumbed through the pages.

I didn’t answer.

“Oh….Magic “ she said as a look of relief came over her face. What did she think I was reading a girlie magazine or something. I hadn’t seen one but I had heard about them from Jerry next door. He was a 7th grader.

She continued, “ Well young man, study hard and maybe you can be the entertainment on Christmas Day.”

She smiled, turned and walked out of the room.

“Don’t stay up too late” she added as the door closed behind her.
What, was she serious, did she mean that? She did call me YOUNG MAN which meant she was serious…but she also smiled….was it a joke? People always say that I’m shy and bashful and there was that horrifying experience at church on Mothers Day. Could I really put on a Magic Show?

I guess I should explain about the Mothers Day disaster. When I was in Kindergarten, I attended the church down the street. Our Sunday School class was putting on a program for Mothers Day. Each kid was given a sentence of a poem that they would recite in front of the entire congregation. I had the line for 2 weeks but when it was my turn and I walked up onto the stage and looked out over the audience. I hesitated , then when I did open my Mouth out came, “I Forgot it.” Actually, I had never learned the line, I was unprepared and humiliated myself, let my class down, and even let my mother down. How embarrassing. Believe it or not, at that early age, I swore that I would never get in front of an audience unprepared again.

Back to the story, I convinced myself that I could actually do this. I wasn’t a little kid any more. I would put on a Magic Show on Christmas Evening.

The house we lived in was a remodeled dormitory. It had a long hallway with a door to a storage room at one end . I could set up chairs in the hall for the family and other relatives that would be there. I could set up a table in the doorway and have my own little theater. I had a week to construct the props and practice. I can do this. I will do this.

For the next 5 days I studied, practiced,, constructed props, practiced some more. All of the props were made of cardboard or items that I could find around the house. I only took one break and that was to go downtown and do my Christmas shopping. A little bottle of perfume for Mom. It was called Evening in Paris. I don’t know if it smelled good or not, but it came in a neat little blue bottle. A pair of gloves for my dad, and surely I bought something for my little brother and big sister.

It was Christmas Eve and I was in my room, with my props all set up and I was going over everything, to make certain that I was ready for the big performance on Christmas day. There’s no way I wanted to relive that horrible Mothers Day incident. Suddenly it dawned on me, how do I start? Do I just walk out from behind the door. That didn’t seem right. I know…what I need is an Introduction. Oh great…who do I get to introduce me. I’m sure Ed Sullivan was busy on Christmas Day. After much thought, I decided that it would have to be my big sister.
Getting my big sister to do anything for me was going to be a real challenge. After all, we were brother and sister, 2 years apart and our lives were dedicated to making each other as miserable as possible. I thought about it for a while and then I recalled a conversation that I had overheard while standing in the theater, I mean hallway, outside my sisters room. It was between my mom and sister.

They were talking about my sisters new dress and my mom said something about having to get a Training Bra before she could wear it. Now, I wasn’t no dummy, I knew what a bra was. I knew what went in the bra, but I had no idea they needed to be trained. My sister didn’t seem to be to happy about the situation. Something about being embarrassed at school. Embarrassed at school, now there’s something I can use.

I wasn’t real sure exactly how to approach this because I wasn’t sure what she would be embarrassed about. Was it because she was wearing a training bra, or was it because it wasn’t just a bra, but a training bra.

Oh well I’ll play it by ear.

I found her in the kitchen, doing dishes. I told her about the show and nicely asked her to introduce me. After about 5 minutes of ridicule and being called a Dork, I decided it was time to get serious.

“How about I tell everyone at school that you wear a training bra.”

“You wouldn’t dare”

“Wanna bet.”
“I’ll tell mom.”

“I don’t care.”

This went on for another 5 minutes until finally she was convinced that I was serious and that I was going to tell everyone at school. As she was finishing up the last of the dishes she finally gave in. She agreed to do the introduction.

“But you have to promise not to tell anyone “

“I promise. Cross my heart and hope to die, I won‘t tell a sole.”

“Well……you can tell Johnny Emerson, but no one else.”

“What? …Why would I tell Johnny ……”

“Hey…You want me to introduce you or not !”

“Ok..Ok…Johnny Emerson and no one else.”

“ And… make sure you just say Bra…not Training Bra.”

“ Whatever you say”

Girls are crazy!
Christmas day came and it was great as usual. Lot’s of presents. Although I can’t remember what they were. Lot’s of food and relatives to share it with. Everybody had a great time. That evening as things were slowing down, I set up the chairs and arranged the table at the end of the hall. I told my mom what I was doing, knowing that she would make sure everyone attended.

I waited peeking out from behind the door as the seats were filled. It was standing room only. Of course I could only find 8 chairs .

It was time for THE SHOW!

I nodded to my sister and she stood up and walked to the front.

“Ladies & Gentlemen, Eddie The Magician!”

I stepped out into the doorway, looked out over my audience and said “I FORGOT IT”

NO…NO…I’m only kidding. That would be a terrible way to end a Christmas story.

The truth is that I was prepared, the show went great, I didn’t mess up even one trick. I had a wonderful time and everybody seemed to enjoy the show. Several people said that it was great. But, of course these were all relatives so they were being kind.

Finally after it was all over and I was headed to the kitchen for a drink of water before going to bed. I overheard my grandfather and my mother talking in the living room.

My grandfather said “ Looks like we finally got some talent in this family.”

Mom said “ You know, I was quite proud of that Young Man today.
That was good enough for me. She called me Young Man so I know she was serious.

————————————————————————————————————————————-

Oh by the way….. My book report was a week late. I still don’t know why they call it a training bra and I did eventually return the book to the school library, but only after they told me I didn’t get my report card until I did. I hated to give it up, but the alternative was staying in Miss Snidely’s Fourth Grade.

One more thing, I went back to check the book out several times, but it was never on the shelf again.